You’ve heard of political anarchy, but what happens when you apply this ideology to relationships? So, what is relationship anarchy, and how does it work?
What is relationship anarchy? It’s when you apply politically anarchist principles to your relationships. It’s the process of dissecting norms and tossing out what doesn’t fit to create connections that work uniquely for you.
After being polyamorous for two years, I struggled a lot with where I stand on my relationship style. Learning more about relationship anarchy has been pivotal for me in discovering the middle ground that exists between monogamy and polyamory and finding a stance that feels authentic to me.
In this post, I’ll be covering what is relationship anarchy, the relationship anarchy manifesto, relationship anarchy vs polyamory, and relationship anarchy in monogamy.
This post is all about what is relationship anarchy!
What is Relationship Anarchy?
Relationship anarchy is a way of conducting relationships without the influence of societal expectations. This means you can create relationships in any way you see fit. Relationship anarchy rejects social norms and leaves it up to the people in the partnership to decide what works for them. Relationships are formed entirely based on what both parties want out of the connection, maybe it’s romantic but not sexual, a friend you share intimacy with, or a long-term partner you forgo living with. You can even have all those connections at once, if everyone agrees to it, of course.
Relationship anarchy is the “choose your own adventure” of relationships, you can pick and choose which aspects of partnership you want to share with any person. You’re not constrained by any rules or regulations other than openness and honesty. A core tenant of RA is non-hierarchy. Relationship anarchists don’t deem romantic or sexual relationships as greater or more important than their platonic connections. They also don’t generally rank their partners in any kind of hierarchy, seeing each connection as equally valuable.
Related Post: What is Ethical Non-Monogamy & Why is It on the Rise?
The Relationship Anarchy Manifesto
The term relationship anarchy was first coined by Andy Nordgren, who wrote the relationship anarchy manifesto in 2006. In this manifesto, she outlines the following core principles of relationship anarchy:
Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique
Everyone is capable of loving more than one person at a time. Love is not a limited resource that has to be contained to just one person. Your love for one does not diminish your love for another. Every relationship is unique and so is your love for that person. Every relationship adds value to your life, and none take value away from any other.
Love and respect instead of entitlement
Your relationship with a partner does not entitle you to control them. They have the freedom to make their own choices. Love is not more real because someone chooses to compromise due to expectation. Letting your partner choose their path without expectation is the most loving thing you can do. Let them show you who they are, if they’re not for you, you’ll know pretty quickly.
Find your core set of relationship values
Get clear on what you will and won’t accept in relationships. Define your boundaries, what qualities you look for in someone, and what you want out of a relationship. Don’t compromise these values for anyone. Making exceptions doesn’t prove your love, it only sacrifices yourself.
Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you
There’s a huge expectation for us to conduct our relationships in a specific way. When you diverge from this, you’re sure to be met with backlash. Don’t let the fear get to you and remember why you wanted this in the first place. Just because something’s the norm, doesn’t make it the right, or only way, to do things.
Build for the lovely unexpected
Don’t be afraid to express yourself and be true to who you are. Build your connections on authenticity rather than a list of expected “shoulds”. Base the relationship on a desire to know each other fully, communicate and ask questions rather than make demands that will only end in disappointment when unmet.
Fake it til’ you make it
It can feel like you can’t possibly get it all right. There’s so much to unlearn when it comes to breaking societal norms. Don’t be too hard on yourself in the moments you feel in over your head. Think about what you would do in a clear-minded moment. Take those simple guidelines and follow them through the next time you feel stuck. It’s great practice until it feels like second nature.
Trust is better
It’s better to trust that your partner has your best interests at heart. Insecurity and a constant need for validation will only cause unnecessary corrosion. Create a dynamic where communication is honest and open, where you can both be heard out and truly seen. Allow both parties to take responsibility for their actions within the relationship. Keep your core values in mind and remember what you will and won’t tolerate.
Change through communication
There’s a norm for just about everything, and without direct communication, it’s easy to fall back on them. Be sure to communicate every step of the way, not just when there’s conflict. Communication has to be at the heart of your connection to create change.
Customize your commitments
Relationship anarchy isn’t about not committing, it’s about building each connection uniquely. Design your commitments based on what works for each connection. Free yourself from social norms dictating how you should conduct relationships, and build them in whatever way you please. Love doesn’t have to look a certain way to be real.
Relationship Anarchy Vs Polyamory
How is relationship anarchy different from polyamory? Relationship anarchy doesn’t require you to have more than one romantic or sexual partner. Within polyamory, it’s expected that you will date and have romantic connections with other people, the whole point is to be open to it.
The main point of relationship anarchy is to dismantle the systems set up around relationships. This can involve polyamory, it’s a great way to dismantle the expectation of monogamy in our relationships, but it’s not a requirement. Being poly doesn’t inherently make you a relationship anarchist either. Relationship anarchists are committed to non-hierarchy, and not all polyamorists are.
Relationship anarchy is being committed to questioning social norms and expectations. This means looking at relationships and seeing what can be done differently. It’s designing your relationships in any way you choose, non-monogamous or not.
Related Post: What is a Polyamorous Relationship?
Relationship Anarchy in Monogamy
So, what does relationship anarchy look like in monogamy? Well, it can look like whatever you and your partner would like. Maybe it means having more close and intimate friendships where you can cuddle and kiss each other on the cheek. Maybe it means making an effort to create more close connections outside of your relationship, and even agreeing to use dating apps to do so. It could mean making an effort to overcome jealousy and insecurity when it comes to your partner having close friends of the opposite sex. Or, It could be making a conscious effort to set boundaries instead of rules, this way you know your partner is choosing to do something because they care, not because they have to.
However you do it, it’s making the effort to question the way you’ve been taught to do things and asking yourself if that really works for you, or if it’s even what you want. If there’s something you want to do differently, communicate and implement it!
As you can see, there are many different ways you can apply relationship anarchy, it’s all about finding what works for you. But at the forefront is a desire to challenge the norm and do things your way. Just remember to be authentic and communicate honestly the whole way through.
Post by Morgan Peters
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