What does it mean to be in a polyamorous relationship? Is polyamory a relationship style or personal identity?
What is a polyamorous relationship? There are many different structures polyamory can take on, I’ll be covering the different types of polyamorous relationships, rules in polyamory, as well as healthy boundaries, and at the end, offering some further resources on the topic.
Is polyamory more of a relationship structure or personal identity? There’s been some debate on the topic but it depends on the person and their motivation for being poly.
I was in a polyamorous relationship for a couple of years and was always slightly hesitant to fully label myself poly. So, what is the difference between being poly and being in a polyamorous relationship?
This post is all about polyamorous relationships!
What is Polyamory?
Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that involves being open to having multiple romantic and sexual relationships with the awareness of all involved. Consent is the most important aspect of polyamory because, without it, it’s just cheating.
Polyamory can take on a few different forms, such as hierarchical, non-hierarchical, solo polyamory, and polyfidelity. Because there are so many different types of polyamory the isn’t a specific set of rules that make up polyamory. It’s largely up to the individuals in the relationship to decide what works for them.
Related Post: What is Ethical Non-Monogamy & Why is It on the Rise?
How is Being Polyamorous Different from Being in a Polyamorous Relationship?
Referring to yourself as polyamorous implies an identical approach to being poly. It means that even if your current relationship(s) or circumstances were to chance, you’d still consider yourself poly. You can still be poly even if you’re single. Polyamory doesn’t signify your current relationship status, but rather, the ability to be open to multiple relationships at once.
Being in a polyamorous relationship, on the other hand, may imply that while currently in a polyamorous relationship structure, you may not view yourself as inherently polyamorous. You may be open to many different relationship structures or consider yourself ambiamorous, meaning open to being in a poly or monogamous relationship structure. Or you may just not want to label yourself at all, staying open to different structures and circumstances as they arise.
What are the Types of Polyamorous Relationships?
Hierarchical Polyamory
Hierarchical polyamory involves a ranking of different relationships. There’s typically a primary partner with whom you share housing and resources, and spend the most time with. All secondary relationships are subsequent to this one and are subject to any rules and restrictions the primary couple sets on their relationship. This form of polyamory can be somewhat frowned upon as it can easily create power imbalances and leave secondary partners with little say over their relationship dynamics.
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory
Non-hierarchical polyamory has no ranks between partners. Each relationship is free to grow and develop in whatever way sees fit. There may be an amount of inherent hierarchy if one couple lives together or has children but there are no intentional rules or restrictions placed on the relationship(s) by other parties.
Solo Polyamory
Solo polyamory emphasizes personal agency. Those who practice it don’t seek out couple-centric relationships and prefer not to be financially or domestically entwined with their partners. They value freedom and autonomy above all and desire to form their relationships without say or influence from any other parties.
Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity involves having a loving relationship with more than one person, but unlike other forms of polyamory, is closed to other parties. This can be a group of three or more people all exclusively dating each other, or one person with more than one partner who are not dating each other but those relationships are closed to anyone new.
Polyfidelity is often made up of one of two relationship structures:
Triad
A triad consists of three people exclusively dating each other.
Quad
A quad consists of four people exclusively dating each other.
Poly-Mono
A poly-mono relationship involves one person who is poly and peruses other relationships while the other partner chooses to be monogamous. This structure is less common but can work well for some couples where one person doesn’t mind their partner seeing others but doesn’t desire to themselves.
Related Post: 30 Polyamory Terms You Should Know!
Polyamorous Relationship Rules
Polyamory doesn’t have any inherent rules other than being honest and consensual. It requires an ability to be incredibly open in your communication with your partner(s). Secrets don’t bode well in polyamory because if your partner finds out, even about something relatively small like downloading a dating app without you telling them, they may wonder if something larger is at play. More seasoned polyamorists may not bat an eye at such an indiscretion, but for those newer to the practice it could lead to distrust, and without trust, a polyamorous relationship is sure to deteriorate.
Polyamory is generally built on boundaries rather than explicit rules. Most polyamorists value freedom and autonomy and shy away from setting strict rules, though this isn’t the case for everyone. Some rules that may be implemented are the veto and the one penis policy.
Veto
A veto is an ability for one person to call off a new connection their partner has begun to pursue. They may have legitimate concerns to do so, or they may just not like the person for whatever reason. The veto ability is largely looked down upon in the polyamorous community as it restricts your partner’s autonomy and freedom to choose their partners.
One Penis Policy
The one penis policy (OPP) is a rule usually placed by a straight cis man on their bisexual female partner disallowing her from pursuing relationships with other men. The implications of this should be clear, it perpetuates biphobia and screams fragile masculinity.
It’s perfectly fine to not want your partner sleeping with anyone else, and if that’s the case be monogamous, but for a man to enforce their bisexual girlfriend not to see other men implies that her relationships with women are somehow less real than her relationships with men.
If you’re going to do the work to open your relationship and overcome jealousy, you should be prepared to overcome your internalized toxic beliefs as well, because it just may bring them up.
Couples may sometimes agree to use the OPP as a stepping stone while they overcome these internalized beliefs, in which case kudos to them for recognizing they have work to do!
Healthy Polyamorous Boundaries
The most important part of polyamory is open honest communication. This means being upfront about where your boundaries lie.
Relationship structure
Polyamory can be conducted in many different ways and from many differing viewpoints, so just because two people are poly doesn’t necessarily make them compatible. One person may want a hierarchal relationship structure and have one person to whom they’re most committed. Others may want many relationships that are just as involved. It’s important to be clear about what you’re looking for so you don’t lead anyone on under false pretenses.
Metamour Relationships
Boundaries are also important to establish with metamours, your partner’s partners. Some people want to meet and form close bonds with their metas, while others prefer to keep their distance. There’s no one right or wrong way to conduct meta relationships, it’s all about what’s comfortable for you.
Relationship Check-ins
Partners should be sure to check in with each other to see how they’re handling all the difficult emotions that are sure to arise within polyamory. How are they feeling about you going on a date with someone new? Are they nervous, jealous, or insecure? Is there anything you can do to help calm those emotions?
People can often think that because you’re polyamorous you don’t experience challenging emotions like jealousy. This couldn’t be further from the truth, poly people experience these feelings just as much as any monogamous person would. Poly people are just willing to work to navigate through them.
Boundaries with Others
It’s important to know where your partner’s boundaries lie on what is and isn’t okay to do on a date and how much they want to hear about your interactions with others. Some people are fine with their partners doing whatever they’d like on a date, others may need some time to warm up to the idea and need more communication in the process. Either way, it’s important to respect and uphold your partner’s boundaries wherever they may lie.
Books on Polyamory
This section contains affiliate links, which means I’ll receive a commission if you purchase through my link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure for more information.
Polysecure
By Jessica Fern
Photo by Me
I can’t recommend Polysecure enough! It focuses largely on forming and maintaining a secure attachment within polyamory. It also covers other types of consensual non-monogamy, as well as trauma, and boundaries. I’d highly recommend it to anyone, poly or not. It includes so much helpful information that can apply to any style of relationship!
The Ethical Slut
By Janet W. Hardy & Dossie Easton
The Ethical Slut is one of the most highly renowned books on ethical non-monogamy, widely being deemed as the “Poly Bible”. It dispels myths and teaches people how to maintain successful polyamorous relationships, through open communication, honesty, and safe sex practices.
Opening Up:
A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
By Tristan Taormino
Opening Up by relationship expert Tristan Taormino covers the history and types of ethical non-monogamy. It offers solutions for dealing with jealousy, boundaries, finding community, parenting, and time management.
As you can see, there are many different ways to be polyamorous, but good communication, honesty, and healthy boundaries are always at the forefront. Polyamory also doesn’t have to be an identity for everyone who partakes in it, your relationship structure is free to be as fluid and everchanging as you’d like.
Post by Morgan Peters
Other Posts You May Like:
What is Ethical Non-Monogamy & Why is It on the Rise?
Polyamory vs Polygamy vs Polyandry: What’s the Difference?
What is Relationship Anarchy & How Can You Apply It?
