Have you ever wondered why ethical non-monogamy is suddenly so popular? So, what is it and why has it recently garnered so much attention?
In this post, I’ll cover all things ethical non-monogamy including what it is, the different types, why it’s suddenly become so popular, and some recommended resources.
I was ethically non-monogamous for almost two years, and while ultimately the relationship style just wasn’t for me, I sure learned a lot from it!
So, if you’ve ever considered ethical non-monogamy or want to learn more about it, this post is a great place to start!
This post is all about ethical non-monogamy.
What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is the practice of having more than one romantic or sexual partner with the knowledge and consent of all involved. It’s an umbrella term for many different types of ENM, all of which we’ll explore in depth later. There’s polyamory, swinging, open relationships, monogamish, and more!
The most important aspect of ENM, and what distinguishes it from cheating is being completely open and honest with your partner(s) and anyone else you may be seeing. As soon as lies and deceit are involved it’s no longer ethical, it’s just cheating. It’s important to establish boundaries with your partner(s) early on to dictate what actions are and are not okay to perform with others to limit any possible grey areas.
Of course, nobody’s perfect and we’re all bound to make mistakes. Especially when we’re new to ENM. So, when mistakes inevitably happen, it’s best to own up to them right away. Be honest with your partner(s), because honesty and good communication are what ENM is all about. If it was an honest mistake chances are your partner will understand and forgive you. Chances are they’ve made just as many mistakes, or if they haven’t, they will and they’ll be just as grateful for your forgiveness and understanding when they do.
Types of Ethical Non-Monogamy
Polyamory
Polyamory is one of the most well-known types of ENM. It’s when you’re open to having more than one romantically and sexually involved relationship. The term polyamory translates to “many loves”. This form of ENM focuses the most on having multiple loving romantic relationships.
There are a few types of polyamory including hierarchical, non-hierarchical, and solo polyamory.
Related Post: What is a Polyamorous Relationship?
Hierarchical Polyamory
Hierarchical polyamory involves a ranking of different relationships. There’s typically a primary partner with whom you share housing and resources, and spend the most time with. All secondary relationships are subsequent to this one and are subject to any rules and restrictions the primary couple sets on their relationship.
This form of polyamory is somewhat frowned upon as it can easily create power imbalances and leave secondary partners with little say over their own relationship dynamics.
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory
Non-hierarchical polyamory has no ranks between partners. Each relationship is free to grow and develop however you see fit. There may be an amount of inherent hierarchy if one couple lives together or has children, however, there are no intentional rules or restrictions placed on the relationship(s) by other parties.
Solo Polyamory
Solo polyamory emphasizes personal agency. Those who practice it don’t seek out couple-centric relationships and prefer not to be financially or domestically entwined with their partners. They value freedom and autonomy above all else and desire to form their relationships without say or influence from any other parties.
Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity involves having a loving relationship with more than one person, but unlike other forms of polyamory, it’s closed to other parties. This can be a group of three or more people all exclusively dating each other, or one person with more than one partner both of whom are not dating each other but those relationships are closed to anyone new.
Open Relationship
Chances are you’ve heard of an open relationship before. It’s when a couple agrees to open their relationship to other parties, usually for sexual purposes. The point of an open relationship is to maintain the primary partnership as the priority while having more casual connections with others. The level of emotional intimacy with others is fairly limited in this dynamic. Ruptures would likely be caused if deeper feelings were to occur.
Swinging
Swinging involves couples engaging in sexual activity with other couples or individuals. The focus is primarily on sex and little to no emotional investment is involved. Swingers usually practice as a couple and do not have sexual engagements with others without the presence of their partner.
Monogamish
Sex columnist Dan Savage first coined the term monogamish, which refers to couples who are mostly exclusive but may partake in occasional extra-relational affairs. This can include one-time hookups, kissing someone at a party or event, or hookups while travelling independently.
Polyintimates
Polyintimates refer to people who are sexually exclusive with one partner but share emotional bonds with others in ways traditional relationships would not normally permit. This can include living with or raising children with someone they are not sexually intimate with. The bond goes beyond what is typically seen in friendships.
Relationship Anarchy
The term relationship anarchy was first coined by Andie Nordgren. The idea is to apply politically anarchist ideology to personal relationships. Relationship anarchists seek to dismantle the social hierarchies placed around romantic relationships. They tend to make less of a distinction between friends and lovers placing all relationships on equal ground and allowing for more intimacy in all types of relationships. The boundaries around what that looks like are largely up for interpretation allowing couples and individuals to decide what works for them.
Related Post: What is Relationship Anarchy & How Can You Apply It?
Ambiamory
This is kind of a bonus term as it’s not exactly a form of non-monogamy, but a form of identification. Ambiamory refers to someone capable of being in either a polyamorous or monogamous relationship. Their relationship style and structure may shift or change over time depending on their current circumstances.
Why is Ethical Non-Monogamy on the Rise?
Well, the fact of the matter is, that monogamy doesn’t work for everyone. People are becoming more aware of the other options available and those who are privy are going for it! A study done in the United States shows that more than twenty percent of Americans have been involved in a non-monogamous relationship. The numbers are about the same for Canada and are rising in the UK.
Changing Social Norms
Social norms are changing and with that, people’s ideologies on what makes a good relationship. People are beginning to place more value on freedom and autonomy and less on sexual or emotional exclusivity. They see there are more important aspects to a healthy secure relationship than forgoing all other intimate connections. Values such as openness, honesty, reassurance, and good communication are all hallmarks of ENM and people are beginning to value these more and more.
Toxic Monogamy
The truth is monogamy can be a breeding ground for lying and cheating. Monogamy doesn’t inherently place such a large importance on openness and honesty the same way ENM does. Whereas ENM would quickly deteriorate without upfront communication, it can go under wraps in monogamy for quite some time.
Chances are, if a monogamous person did develop feelings for someone outside of their partnership, they probably wouldn’t tell their partner. They would keep it to themselves to prevent hurting them and those bottled-up emotions may then manifest in other ways such as cheating, creating an even larger issue.
Monogamy doesn’t always have to be toxic of course. It can be done as openly and honestly as ENM, it’s just not as common.
Women are Taking the Lead
Did you know that more women identify as ENM than men? Women are often the ones who bring up the conversation of wanting to try out non-monogamy with their partners. The fact of the matter is women have a lot more success dating non-monogamously than men do.
Men often sit by as they watch their female partners go on countless dates and hookups, meanwhile, all they’re left with is a bunch of dating app conversations that lead nowhere. Toxic masculinity simply wouldn’t survive it! This means the men who identify as ENM are generally compassionate, open-minded individuals who aren’t afraid of empowered women.
Love can Exist Vastly
People can love more than one person at a time, and some don’t see the need or desire to prevent this. As long as it’s done ethically, love can exist healthily and truly for more than one person.
Think of it this way, you love all your family, friends, and pets, and no one asks you to pick one. So why with romantic love are we asked to choose?
Monogamy is a widely accepted social construct, but relationships don’t have to be conducted this way. It’s up to you to choose, no one way is inherently better. It’s just about what works for you.
Books On Ethical Non-Monogamy
This section contains affiliate links, which means I’ll receive a commission if you purchase through my link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure for more information.
Polysecure
By Jessica Fern
Photo by Me
I recently finished reading Polysecure and I cannot recommend it enough! It’s a great place to learn more about non-monogamy, attachment styles, and trauma. I’d recommend it to anyone, ENM or not. It includes so much helpful information that can apply to any relationship style!
The Ethical Slut
By Janet W. Hardy & Dossie Easton
The Ethical Slut is one of the most highly renowned books on ENM, widely being deemed as the “Poly Bible”. It dispels myths and teaches people how to maintain successful polyamorous relationships, through open communication, honesty, and safe sex practices.
As you can see, there are many reasons one may choose to be ethically non-monogamous, and there are so many different types to choose from! Relationships are such a vast and complicated experience that there can’t possibly be one outline that works perfectly for everyone.
Post by Morgan Peters
Other Posts You May Like:
30 Polyamory Terms You Should Know!
Polyamory vs Polygamy vs Polyandry: What’s the Difference?
What is a Polyamorous Relationship?
