Have you ever wondered how polyamory and cheating work? Polyamorous relationships may be non-monogamous, but it is still possible to cheat.
Just because a relationship is polyamorous doesn’t mean that all is fair in love and war. You can still be cheated on in polyamory, and it hurts just as much.
The reason someone may do this, well, who knows? There’s really no reason to. As long as you communicate and are honest there are generally not a lot of limitations in polyamory. Some people, however, simply enjoy the thrill of lying.
Cheating is completely avoidable in polyamory as long as you have good communication and adhere to boundaries. Polyamory is all about openness and honesty, and any violation of that is a huge betrayal.
This post will cover, polyamory vs cheating, polyamory and cheating: what is cheating in a polyamorous relationship, polyamory and jealousy, and polyamory as an excuse to cheat.
This post is all about polyamory and cheating.
Polyamory vs Cheating
First of all, what’s the difference between polyamory and cheating?
Well, cheating is breaking an agreement within your relationship. In monogamy, this would be entertaining a physical or emotional connection with someone outside your relationship. People often have different definitions of what cheating is, but some people would even consider flirting to be a form of cheating.
Polyamory, on the other hand, is an agreed-upon relationship style, wherein partners consentously seek other partners romantically or sexually. The core tenets of polyamory are open and honest communication. Without those, you really couldn’t consider it ethical non-monogamy.
Therefore, the main difference between polyamory and cheating is that polyamory is consensual. All parties have agreed to it. Cheating, on the other hand, is never consensual.
Polyamory and Cheating: What is Cheating in a Polyamorous Relationship?
So, if polyamorous relationships are consensual, how does cheating happen?
Cheating happens in a polyamorous relationship when someone breaks their partner’s boundary.
Polyamory doesn’t often have strict rules about what you can and cannot do. It’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide what works for each relationship. Some people may have boundaries for their partners not to get involved with their friends, or to always use condoms with others. If any of these boundaries are broken it would be considered cheating.
Though rules aren’t common within polyamory, one you will sometimes see is the “one penis policy”. This rule is often placed by a man on his bisexual female partner, dictating that she can only sleep with other women. There are many issues with this rule and it is generally frowned upon by the polyam community, however, if a partner were to disobey this rule without negotiating, it would be considered cheating.
Often, partners want to discuss before anything happens with someone new. They need time and communication to get comfortable introducing a new party. So, if you were to sleep with someone without first informing your partner, they may consider this to be cheating.
Always be sure to discuss with your partner(s) beforehand the level of communication needed before engaging in sexual activities with a new partner. Some people may need very little communication, whereas, others may require a lot. It’s also important to discuss exactly what is and isn’t considered cheating in your relationship.
Polyamory and Jealousy
Just because someone is polyamorous doesn’t mean they don’t get jealous. People who are polyam, however, feel jealousy is worth overcoming for the joys that polyamory brings to their lives.
They may still feel envy towards other partners, or it may bring out their insecurities. However, they feel it’s their responsibility to manage these responses healthily. They may bring up their concerns with their partner and talk it through, or simply ask for reassurance. In a healthy polyamorous relationship, your partner will have no problem quelling your fears.
Jealousy is a normal human emotion that we all experience, and more often than not, there’s something it can teach us. Whether it’s showing us what we want more of in our relationship, or highlighting some insecurities we could improve upon. Jealousy is a tool, if we use it as such.
Polyamory as an Excuse to Cheat
Are there people who use polyamory as an excuse to cheat? Of course, there are going to be bad apples in any batch. Just as much as people cheat in monogamy, there are going to be those who see polyamory as a way around it. They have no real desire to be polyamorous, of course. That would involve honesty and open communication, which they don’t desire to do.
Polyamory as a Solution to Cheating
Some people may even look at polyamory as a “solution” to their partner’s cheating. However, if someone is willing to cheat in monogamy, they’ll do it in polyamory as well. The style of your relationship won’t change that.
Even if they do have a desire to change, they’ll likely struggle with the level of communication required by polyamory. If they couldn’t be honest with you in monogamy, polyamory isn’t likely to change anything.
If you ever find yourself in a polyamorous relationship with someone who continuously crosses your boundaries and doesn’t communicate, do yourself a favour and dump them. Someone who truly wants to be poly will do the necessary work to make you feel safe and cared for.
All in all, while cheating is very possible in polyamory, it is not the same thing. It should also never be used as an excuse to do so. You deserve safe and happy love in whatever relationship style you choose, and cheating, of course, is always grounds for getting dumped.
By Morgan Peters
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