Attachment Theory in Relationships – How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationships

Your attachment style greatly affects how you show up in relationships. So, what is attachment theory in relationships?

Our attachment style greatly affects how we behave in our relationships. Anxious partners crave closeness and stability, while avoidant partners desire freedom and autonomy. These differences can create disharmony when partnered together, but is finding a secure partner the solution?

The fact is, anxious and avoidant styles almost always partner together. That doesn’t mean you have to put up with unhealthy behaviour, but if both partners are willing these differences can be worked through.

In this post, I’ll be covering, attachment theory, the four attachment styles in relationships, and how to develop an earned secure attachment.

This post is all about attachment theory in relationships!

 

What is Attachment Theory?

We all have an intrinsic need to belong; to feel close and connected to other people. This evolutionary drive is necessary for our survival as infants. Without a caregiver, we wouldn’t be able to sustain ourselves. So, infants cry and scream to get their needs met; to ensure that someone will be there when they need them.

If our caregivers were attentive to these needs and they were met most of the time, we end up with a secure attachment. This means we feel safe and secure in our relationships. We know we can rely on others to be there for us and we can do the same for them.

If these needs were not met or we couldn’t rely on our caregivers to meet them consistently, we end up with one of three insecure attachment styles. Meaning you may feel reluctant towards relationships and avoid them altogether, you may attach quickly to new partners and crave high levels of closeness, or you may desire love but push it away out of fear.

As you can see, our relationship with our caregivers as infants play a huge role in how we connect in relationships in our adult life. However, you’re not doomed if you have an insecure attachment, you can always work to become more secure. The first step is just knowing your attachment style.

 

Related Post: Attachment Theory & the 4 Attachment Styles

 

The Four Attachment Styles in Relationships

 

Secure

People with secure attachments feel safe opening up and being vulnerable in relationships, they thrive in this setting but aren’t afraid to be alone either. They feel comfortable communicating and setting boundaries and tend to view themselves and others positively.

Secure partners don’t get overly anxious when there’s distance in the relationship, they’re likely to respect your space and need for time alone, but they’ll welcome you back with open arms whenever you’re ready. On the other hand, secure partners are also comfortable with closeness and being relied on by their partners.

They are comfortable with conflict and always seek out healthy resolve. They know conflict is a part of life and a part of relationships, but they trust that the relationship is secure enough to bounce back.

Secure partners are by no means perfect, everyone has their flaws and even secure partners are likely to have some anxious or avoidant tendencies.

 

Anxious / Anxious-Preoccupied

People with anxious attachment generally have lower self-esteem, perceiving others as better or more knowledgeable than themselves. They tend to place their partner on a pedestal and have a deep fear of losing them. Anxious partners fear distance, perceiving it as a threat to the relationship. They often worry that no one would truly want to be with them.

Anxious styles have a high need for closeness, often looking to their partners for support, viewing their level of responsiveness as validation or a signal of their worth. They may struggle to feel they can fully rely on their partner and feel as if their needs are too much.

Those with anxious attachments may get easily caught up in relationships, making them their top priority. They may find it difficult to respect boundaries or anything that feels it places space between the partnership. They often feel anxious about distance and may use guilt to try to keep their partner close.

Anxious styles often require lots of reassurance and attention from their partner to feel safe in relationships.

 

Avoidant / Dismissive-Avoidant

Those with an avoidant attachment often feel better being on their own. They don’t like having others rely on them and don’t want to rely on anyone else either. They may seek out short-term connections that focus more on the physical than the emotional. This type tends to have high self-esteem and feels they don’t need anyone else to be happy.

They greatly value their freedom and autonomy and don’t like the idea of anyone taking that away from them. Thus, they tend to become more distant the closer someone tries to get to them.

Avoidant types are uncomfortable with expressing emotion and are often accused of being rigid or closed off. They would likely describe their partner as being too needy or clingy, even if they’re securely attached.

People with avoidant attachment are likely to keep their emotional distance in any way they can, this can involve keeping secrets, having affairs, disregarding their partner’s emotions, and ending relationships abruptly.

The truth of the matter is, even if we try to deny it, we all crave close connections. Avoidant’s fear of intimacy just tells them it’s safer to push them away, but sooner or later they may realize just how empty this leaves them.

 

Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant

A disorganized attachment style is often caused by childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. However, it can also be caused by abusive adult relationships. People with this attachment style often display ambiguous behaviours, osculating back and forth between anxious and avoidant tendencies.

Relationships are often a source of both desire and fear for disorganized styles. They want love but tend to push it away out of fear. Disorganized styles often have a hard time trusting others and struggle to regulate their emotions. They often avoid deep connections out of fear of getting hurt.

Those with a disorganized attachment may find relationships unsettling, often swinging back and forth between feelings of deep love and resentment for their partner.

They may be insensitive towards their partner’s emotions, even displaying selfish or controlling behaviours. They may also struggle to take responsibility for their actions but are often just as hard on themselves as they are on their partner.

 

A Note on Disorganized Attachment

It’s important to remember this behaviour stems from trauma and is their way of trying to protect themselves, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with unhealthy behaviours in your relationship. If you’re dating someone with disorganized attachment it’s important to know where your boundaries lie and to continue to enforce them. If your partner is willing to respect your boundaries and work towards a healthier attachment it’s very possible to have a healthy relationship with a disorganized.

 

Keep in mind, rarely do people fit perfectly into one attachment style, but everyone has a primary one. If you’re still unsure of your attachment style you can take this Attachment Style Quiz.

 

How to Develop an Earned Secure Attachment

The good news is, no one is stuck with an insecure attachment. Everyone can work to make themselves more secure. The best way to work on your attachment style is with a therapist. A therapist will know exactly what you need to work on and will help guide you through the process.

However, if you don’t have access to therapy there are still plenty of ways you can work on your attachment on your own. By learning more about your attachment style you’re already on the way to better understanding how to manage it.

Here are some tips on how to achieve an earned secure attachment:

 

  1. Learn to Rely on Others

Many people with insecure attachments have a hard time depending on others for support. Secure styles, on the other hand, know it’s safe and healthy to rely on others when you need them. Try reaching out to a friend if you need advice or are having a hard time. The more you do this the more natural it will begin to feel. You’ll begin to know that it’s safe to rely on others and rewrite the story in your mind.

 

  2. Make Sense of the Past

It helps to understand your past and why your attachment style is what it is. What experiences have you had that led to your insecure attachment? In what ways have those patterns repeated throughout your life? How can you make different choices that will rewrite those patterns? It’s important to process the emotions involved with your experiences. We tend to want to avoid things that are painful or make us feel insecure, but it’s by facing these emotions that we can overcome them.

 

   3. Change Your Self-Perception

Insecure attachments often stem from a lack of self-worth. So, to change your attachment style, you’ll likely need to change your self-perception. This can involve changing the way you speak to yourself, rather than being self-deprecating try speaking to yourself the way you would your best friend. You wouldn’t beat them up if they made a mistake, so do the same for yourself. You can also try saying some positive affirmations, or just do more things that make you feel confident. Ask that person out on a date, wear that daring outfit, and don’t be afraid to compliment that stranger. The more you push yourself the easier it will get and you just might find your self-perception changing in the process.

 

   4. Challenge Your Thoughts and Behaviours

When you have an insecure attachment it’s easy to fall into the same patterns. This is why having an understanding of your attachment style is so important. When you understand your patterns, you can change them. If you know you avoid intimate connections you can make the effort to let down your guard and let people in. If you know you get anxious and over-text you can make the effort to self-soothe and wait for them to respond. Just because your thoughts are telling you to act a certain way doesn’t mean you should. Think about whether your immediate reaction is healthy, and if it’s not, think of what the secure response would be and try to do that instead.

 

   5. Develop Secure Relationships

One of the best ways to work on your attachment style is in a healthy relationship with someone who’s committed to doing the same. Being with someone who understands your struggles and knows you’re willing to work on them can act as a secure base as you do so. This doesn’t mean their attachment style is necessarily secure, but they are willing to a stable place for you to make mistakes and work through them. The more your partner shows up securely for you the more secure you will begin to feel.

 

Check out the post, Attachment Theory & the 4 Attachment Styles for more resources on how to improve your attachment style!

 

As you can see, our attachment style has a huge impact on how we show up in relationships. However, not all hope is lost if you have an insecure attachment. You can always work towards earned security, and hopefully, you now have some ideas on how to do so!

 

Post by Morgan Peters

 

Other Posts You May Like:

Boundaries Meaning in Relationships

Shadow Work Prompts & Explanation

The Law of Detachment Definition

 

Sources:

Robinson, Lawrence. “How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships.” HelpGuide.Org, 22 Mar. 2023, www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm.